How do you title this?

On May 4th I was informed that I have breast cancer. Thankfully, I was with my dear friend Mike. Since then I have been overwhelmed with support, questions, concern, hope, fear. . . . from so many people that know and love me. The emails and phone calls that I've received have all been extremely comforting and I appreciate it more than you know. Its difficult to muster the energy to really explain what this whole ordeal has been so far, let alone what its going to be in the future. Although I would like to be able to talk about all of this with so many of you that want to talk to me, I just don't think I can right now. I am going to attempt to use this blog space as a way to stay connected with you all and keep you informed. I thought I'd start by sharing with you some of what has led up to this diagnosis and try to answer the common questions that you have been emailing.

I do regular self breast exams and about a month ago I noticed a small lump. It wasn't terribly concerning to me, but I found myself going back to it everyday, sometimes several times a day. About a week later I mentioned it to my good friend, Greta, who is a nurse, and had her feel it. She did, and like me was not terribly concerned. I know that breasts change with your cycle and at times can feel more lumpy, so I wasn't in any hurry to get it checked out. There was no tenderness or pain and I didn't feel any different than I ever had. Another week went by and Greta actually came to me and asked me about whether or not I was going to get the lump examined by a doctor. That same day, out of the blue, my tonsils flared up to the size of golf balls and I had a sore throat like no other. I thought I could have strep so I went to the clinic to get a throat culture. As a side note, since I was there anyway, I asked for a breast exam. I don't know that I would have even done that if Greta had not encouraged me to that same day. So, the throat culture ended up negative for strep and my tonsils were back to normal within a day, but the breast lump was "somewhat concerning" as the provider put it. I was scheduled for an ultrasound later in the week. That too was "somewhat concerning." The following week I had a mammogram which turned out to be "very concerning." I have a whole new perspective on what "concerning" actually means. I also am amazed at how our bodies work. I have no doubt that since I wasn't listening to my body about the lump, my body gave me a much more obvious reason to take notice via swollen tonsils.

The following week, last week, I went into Anchorage and had a needle biopsy done. That was on Tuesday. I stayed in Anchorage until the results came through two days later on Thursday, May 4th. The couple of weeks that had passed since my first official breast exam were an experience that I truly cannot put to words. I definitely went through a huge range of emotions, but ultimately true disbelief that the lump could actually be something as terrible as I now know that it is.

Those two weeks, were nothing compared to what I've been experiencing the past 5 days. There is far too much going through me right now to even try to convey in words. Obviously, I'm far from great, but I am okay. I'm dealing with the reality of having cancer as best as I can. I'm hopeful and optimistic. . . . and terrified. I'm taking it moment by moment and trying to absorb all that I'm feeling. I feel as good as I think I can considering the news. I am well supported in many different ways and I'm so grateful for that.

Many people have wanted to know the technical stuff of what is going on and I can give you as much as I know. My diagnosis is Invasive ductal carcinoma, poorly differentiated, focal high grade ductal carcinoma in situ with comedo necrosis, and scattered microcalcifications. That is straight from the pathology report from the biopsy. What it means, as I understand it, is that I have a malignant tumor that can spread throughout my breast(s) and possibly beyond. I also have a large area of my breast with similar, abnormal calcifications that may or may not be cancer yet. The treatment will be a left breast mastectomy, due to the extent of the affected area of the breast and the high chance of the cancer recurring. After the surgery, I will know more about whether or not the cancer has spread anywhere else in my body. I know that I will be having chemotherapy, but it depends on the full pathology report, whether I will also have to have radiation. The actual course of treatment cannot really be discussed until after the surgery. I am scheduled for it on Monday, May 22nd.

I have had a long week in Anchorage, but happily returned home to Nome tonight. Oh how nice it was to get home! I have a little more than a week to just be here, be with my dogs, process all that is happening, settle some things up at work, and prepare (if that is even possible) to have a part of my body removed. I'm trying to stay present and focus on the moments and what is right in front of me. I'm struggling to stay focused and positive and not allow myself to enter the spin that could so easily swallow me up. I think I'm doing alright so far.

My friend Mike recently moved to Anchorage and rented a nice house with plenty of room. He has opened it up to me and assures me that I will always have a place to call home when travelling in and out for treatments. Because he is a doctor, he is also able to really help me navigate through all of the technical aspects of this process. His sister, my friend, Kate, also lives in Anchorage and offers a great deal of support to me as well. I have tons of people in Nome who are here for me too. All of you that are so far away are still very important and necessary to me as well. I know that I cannot begin to do this alone and I know that I don't have to.

Many of you have wanted to know what you can do for me . . . Please just know that your thoughts, prayers, positive energy, etc. all matter to me greatly. I am counting on it. Please trust that I will lean on you when I need to and understand that it is hard for me to talk about everything right now. I will write here on this blog as things continue to unfold.